Koinonia

Well, things finally caught up with me and I got the flu:( I was trying to slow down, but I think mentally I wasnt. And most importantly, I wasnt focused and having the necessary time I needed to spend with the Lord. The flu sure knocked me off me feet and slowed me down. I have to say thru this experience, its been awesome to connect with my brothers and sisters in Christ. So many people have been encouraging and checking up on me. And yesterday I stopped by the church to drop a book off, and a few of my pastors were there. 2 prayed for me and I broke down crying cuz i was in so much pain and because i was so frustrated to be getting sick during these busy weeks. I was so embarrassed crying in front of everyone. But a dear friend came out and sat with me and encouraged me. Then they annointed me with oil and prayed over me. Such a neat experience for them to comfort me and tell me how much I am loved. I could have never imagined being in such a place 3 yrs ago. I was so miserable and never came out of my room. I was so antisocial. And since I couldnt find a church where I felt I belonged, I just stopped going to church. I dont believe people when they say they can make it without church. Fellowship is such an important part of following Christ. Its too easy to fall when you are not surrounded by loving people who can encourage you and keep you accountable. Ive been there.

no, no, no!

Its been tough trying to focus on the Lord the last couple of weeks. There are so many distractions. Ive been so busy that Im getting behind on sleep, and mentally, I cant rest. Im continually thinking of what I need to do next. Its hard for me, cuz I feel its better for me to be really involved, and I say "yes" to everything. Im afraid that I would be my old self and withdraw and fall away from the Lord. But I know that sometimes I should say no, and I dont. How can I help others if I dont take care of myself? For now, I go try to get a full nights sleep, and pray that Jesus would give me sweet dreams instead of creepy nightmares!

Haha. I loved Bill's comment tonite that the problem with a living sacrafice is that it is able to crawl off the altar. We constantly are telling God we give everything up to Him, we arent going to mess up again, and then next day, we fall. This is why we are told to take up our crosses DAILY and follow him. Every day we must die to self.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowlege him and He shall direct your path. God's no is truly a yes! When He closes one door, another one opens! The safest place to be is in Gods will.

Sometimes we think we are following the Lord's lead and the door gets slammed in our face. We think, "Why God?" and get discouraged. But I am able to look back at those times in my life and realize that God's timing and direction is perfect. If I would have pushed my way through in my timing, things would have been a DISASTER. He truly knows what and when is best!

More of you, less of me, Lord.

Well, I did get to tie everything in today when I spoke. It ministered to a couple of people, so awesome! I had such a great time talking with the ladies. I love my church. I am so thankful that the Lord brought me here, and really opened up my heart. I am a totally different person, mostly because I am being transformed. I have woken up from a life of lukewarmness. The Lord loves us perfectly, and perfect love casts out fear. And as the fear is cast out of our lives, we will let go of what we hold onto and give God full control. And in return, we will live the most satisfying life beyond what we could imagine.

"And he who does not take his cross and follow after Me is not worthy of Me. He who has found his life will lose it, and he who has lost his life for My sake will find it." Matt. 10:38-39

Time to go start my James study! Im so excited to see what I learn!!!

Devotion

I am leading a devotion in the morning, and I have been trying to decide what to teach on. There are so many things that God has been showing me, and Im hoping if I write them all down, they will come together. He's taught me total surrender, laying down our lives, abandoning all of me, waiting on Him, listening to His voice, how fragile our lives are, not knowing when it is our time to go. That He has a plan for us. Store up our treasures in heaven. Returning to our first love. We are His Bride. k, still dont know what to focus on~ LORD, please give me direction is what I should speak on. Show me what these ladies need to hear. I am so much younger and dont know what level we can relate on.

I fell in Love

I fell in love
with You because
You loved me as Your own,
Youve called me to Your throne

So I gave You all I had
to lead me down Your path
Cuz I knew that one day
Id be with You to stay

I believed
You would guide me
but I was broken through and through
Lord where were You

When I gave You all I had
to lead me down Your path
Cuz I knew that one day
Id be with you to stay

So I began to doubt You had my life planned out
I felt so alone
But You reminded be You died to set me free
That You were my Hope

That you gave me all You had
to lead me down Your path
Cuz You knew that one day
Id be with You to stay

And so I fell in love
with You because
You love me as Your own
Youve called me to Your throne.

-by Me

Im such a girl.

Let go and let God

Catchy little phrase. But do we really think of how much it means? To give up that one thing we want sooooo bad, that makes life make sense, that makes us make sense? Dont we find God asking us to give it all up to Him when its that one thing that consumes us most? Of course. He doesnt want just what is mediocre to us. He wants it all. Including the things that get us out of bed in the morning, the things that keep us breathing, that stirs our passion. Because really, isnt it Him that should get us out of bed in the morning, that keeps us breathing, that stirs our passion?

Hosea 2:19-20

"I will betroth you to Me forever; Yes, I will betroth you to Me in righteousness and justice, in lovingkindness and in compassion, and I will betroth you to Me in faithfulness. Then you will know the LORD."- Hosea 2:19-20

What a beautiful explanation of true love.

Jesus Christ does desire for all of us to be married...to Him.

"It is not the New Age or secular humanism that is crippling the church today. It is a lack of love for God, the lukewarmness of the church, that is its greatest enemy. A lukewarm, loveless version of Christianity may succeed in propagating a little religion here and there, but it will never capture the heart of a dying world."-Jack Deere

Im sick of giving God just part of my life. I want to surrender all of me, completely abandon myself to Him. As women, we are captivated by romance, longing for the perfect man to come sweep us off of our feet. But Christ longs for us to be captivated by Him. He wants us to get butterflies when His name is mentioned! We are the Bride of Christ, and He loves us perfectly, more than any earthly man could ever love us. All the things we long for a man to be, they are found in Christ. He alone makes us complete. He is our comforter, our provider, protector, He thinks we are beautiful, we can fully put our trust in Him, He will never leave us, He sacraficed Himself for us, and in Him we find our true identity. Christ desires our earthly relationships to symbolize His love for the Church, which is only possible with our eyes on Him. And yes, He does bring some of us together with someone to show us a glimpse of understanding. But me must not lose focus, and put others before Him. He is our true romancer, and He wants to lead us into the deepest depths of His love. We just have to allow Him.

SMILE

SMILE

Smile though your heart is aching;Smile even though it's breaking.When there are clouds in the sky, you'll get by.If you smile through your fear and sorrow,Smile and maybe tomorrow,You'll see the sun come shining through for you.

Light up your face with gladness,Hide every trace of sadness.Although a tear may be ever so near,That's the time you must keep on trying,Smile, what's the use of crying?You'll find that life is still worthwhile,If you just smile.

-Charlie Chaplin

Philippians 1:9-11

"And this I pray, that your love may abound still more and more in real knowledge and all discernment, so that you may approve the things that are excellent, in order to be sincere and blameless until the day of Christ; having been filled with the fruit of righteousness which come through Jesus Christ, to the glory and praise of God."

No worries!

"Be anxious for nothing."

Something we've heard quite often. But do we often pay attention to the rest of this verse? "but in everything by PRAYER and SUPPLICATION, with THANKSGIVING let your requests be known to God."

I feel it so easy to go circumstance by circumstance and hope for things to happen. If it does, well its God's will. If it doesnt, why not God? And I go on, anxious, dwelling on these things, being miserable. But how often do I really sit with my Lord, and make my requests known, ask for His will to be done, and thank Him that He has a perfect plan for my life? Instead, I want answers now! Take things into my own hands, and really never truly ask Him. And the thing is, is that when You ask Him, you find yourself at His feet, and you know that He is walking with you, so you have nothing to worry about. And He will take all the worry away,

"And the peace of God, that passes all comprehension, will GUARD your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." - Phil 4:6-7

So, tonight Lord, I lay my request down at Your feet. You have told me to wait. And you have told me through Your word. Guard my heart and my mind. Thank you for guiding me and giving me hope. Your will be done.

God is our stop light

Patience has to be the hardest thing to come by. Time for an analogy. I think of sitting at a stop light. Most of us have the tendency to slightly touch the gas pedal, to move an inch, every so often. Some how it makes us feel like we are getting prepared and that it will bring us closer to our goal. It is hard to keep our foot on the brakes. We lose our momentum. So what is the correct way?

Someone once told me you cant move a parked car. I believe we have a responsibility to not be lazy, to do our part, so God can move in our lives. But where does the line fall? I know God has told me to wait on Him, but waiting seems to be such a broad term. What is my responsibility, if any? What am I allowed to do? It's really hard to keep my foot on the brakes. I guess this is where I move over and let God drive.

My week true dat...

To sum up the last week...

Taking care of three kids, got a ticket, had a pregnant spider explode all over my apt., listened to the awesome new Leeland cd out in august, met some awesome new people, walked into a door ( i have the proof on my forehead), dodged a few tornaders, spent a lot of time in the sun, danced in the park, mustered up some courage;) And was reminded that God will allow us to go through things to build our character and relationship with him, and to bring glory to His name.Holy Spirit, have Your way in me.

No sleep. Waaaaahhhhh!

I am praying that the Lord will protect my dreams tonite. For atleast the last month, I have had a bad dream every single night, to the point where I feel paralyzed in the mornings. Ive tried everything and nothing helps. It is affecting every aspect of my life. So, tonite I pray that the Lord would guard my dreams from the evil one and that I would for once, have a peaceful nite of sleep!

I miss Lori.

I want Lori to come back. It was such an awesome few days. I sure love it out here, but this weekend really made me realize how much I dont want to go without my best friend. Lori, come back:( I'm sad.

My new wonderful amazing job!

God has a sense of humor. For years, I have wanted to work in the christian music industry. I was working/volunteering for a promotion/production company back in Phoenix. I have missed it so much. Moving to Nashville, I planned on finding a job in the industry. There was one slight problem. I felt inadequate. For a yr and a half I worked in the most miserable environment, feeling I couldn't make it elsewhere. Partly I think I felt brainwashed, being told I would never succeed, and would never survive outside the "banking" world. I would get lead after lead after lead, but never intensely pursue them, losing all opportunity. Yet through all of this, God has his perfect plan. As I wrote before, in February, the Lord moved me out of my job at the bank. Woohoo! In the months following, God restored my soul, my confidence, and reminded me that He created me: fearfully and wonderfully made. I began building so many relationships in and out of church, getting involved with various ministries, taking on odd-jobs, and dancing! And best of all, My relationship with Christ has deepened immensely like never before. I feel for the first time in 10 yrs I have been brought out of the trench. I see God changing me every day into His image. Things havent really got easier, but they just bounce off of me. I have a firm foundation. Christ is my Cornerstone. And I could go on and on about the ways the Lord has blessed me in just the past few months, but this blog is to focus on my new job. First, I must say that through discovering myself and meeting with the most wonderfully lady ever to help me do that, I have rediscovered the things I love that God has gifted me with. I have decided to start my own floral company, and start giving piano lessons. There are mounds of things I would love to do, and I know that if I try, that I could do these things (as long as they are part of God's will). I realized that I do not want to tour full time, as I did before, but I want to settle down and really make TN my home. Still I wouldnt have minded working in an office in the music industry. But because of following these other desires, I figured I would just find a good part time/ full time job that would be flexible to those, and really wasnt even looking into anything yet. Well, this is where God's humor comes in. A couple of Sundays ago, I was approached by someone at church who I had never talked to in the last 2 yrs. I knew who he was, and what he did, but never approached him. He came up to me and asked me to work for him. He owns a booking agency in the christian music industry- ha! The best part was that he had no idea that i was even interested or that i had experience. And no one told him about me, other than him "hearing" I was out of a job. Since being at this place, I cant believe how perfect it is for me. I set my own hours, low stress, Im not facing customers (thank you Lord!), and I love my position! Pretty much exactly opposite of all the misery I had to deal with at the bank. I know that God built my character there, and I made some lifelong friendships. Not to mention the opportunity to share Christ with so many. And to just smile. Sometimes that's all it takes to change someone's day. Remember that:)

The tour, part 2

Ok, so we headed out for the rest of the tour. The tour we were on was the "Welcome to the Family" tour, headed by Kutless. Other bands were Disciple, Stellar Kart, and Esterlyn. Pretty much everyone on my team were huge Disciple fans. I watched only their set every night, except I watched Kutless on the last night. They all did a great job. Anyhow, so there were two teams that we had. One team would leave the night before to reach the destination, so they could prepare breakfast the next morning for the bands. The other team would leave the next day and get there before the show. Our stops were Vegas, Rialto (CA), Mesa (AZ), and Albuquerque. We were responsible for everything from catering to setting up the stage to shuttling the artists to the entire facilitation of the event. Im trying to keep this short, so I will try to summarize out trip. Vegas went great. We got there very late, ended up grocery shopping in the middle of the night. No walking the strip for us. The whole next day went smoothly. Beautiful church. And everyone at the church was very helpful. They housed us in a gorgeous house that was one of two that had been donated to the church. I was responsible for only one of the alarms going off... but the only real hiccup was that the concert was an outdoor event, and it was 40 degrees and wind blowing. The church forgot to advertise that it was an outdoor event, so alot of people came unprepared. Oops. But it was still a great show. Then we drove the strip that night and headed to freakin' Rialto, CA.

We drove through the middle of the night, and it was kinda a freaky drive. I would take a nap and wake up to roller coasters and clowns, and creepy stuff. It felt like a horror film. We didnt arrive to out destination til 4:30 am. Then had a couple hours of sleep. Poor Rocki. She had to drive. The whole morning pretty much sucked, oh wait, and so did the day. The church pretty much didnt provide any help like they were supposed to, so we ended up running around all day with our heads cut off. The hotel was booked 25 minutes away (why? i dont know why.) and I had to shuttle artists back and forth, back and forth. In the midst of this though, I had to shuttle their manager, who I not knowing was going to be on tour, was ready to email him with my resume. Instead, I got to talk with him. He didnt have any positions avalaible at the moment, but he wanted my resume so he can pass it on to others. He really encouraged me, tellin me we all have to start somewhere. Anyways, back on to the show, because our whole day was messed up, we didnt get to pack up til 2 am. We were so exhausted and angry. Not a good day.

The next morning we headed to Mesa, Az. This is close to where my family is, but we had to get there and then leave again, so I just stayed with a family. It was a good show, and I got to see some people that work for the promoter. I pretty much kicked back this show, just catching up with others. Still, we didnt get to leave until like 2 or 3 am. Ridiculous. We had to be up at 5 am.

Well, none of us woke up until 7 am. Oops. we drove out to Albuquerque. We had a crazy driver, and I dont know how many times he drove off the rode. We all pretty much thought we were gonna die. We got to the show in the late afternoon. We went grocery shopping, and then it was time to open up. I was irritable this day cuz we didnt get time for showers and to freshen up, so i felt blah. I did ticketing, like I did every night. But this night, they had everything screwed up. So it was pretty rough. Not the day to give me a hard time...

The tour was now over, and we just had to clean up that last show. I said bye to all of the bands and took pictures with them. I was so sad to leave. This had been my life for days. We went to the hotel and were gonna go eat, but the driver left the lights on and killed the battery. It was already like 2 or 3 am so I headed to my room. Me and Rocki were so exhausted we stared up at the curtains and had a discussion about how beautiful the lines were in them. lol.

The next morning we finally slept in and then headed to Phoenix. Again with the crazy driver. Btw, he was a part of the crew. We just like to give him a hard time cuz he was ridiculous. So we are out in the middle of nowhere, and the tire on our trailer blew. It was either stay there and die, or drive 5 mph up to this creepy western restaurant. So we went up there and waited for our tire to get fixed. The restaurant had guns and nooses and stuff. The driver felt the need to pull the revolver off the wall and almost get us kicked out. Just sit down!

We were off again and got to drive through Payson. This is a mountainous city and it still had a bit of snow on the ground. It was so perty. I saw lots of Elk too. cool. Then we were back in Phoenix, and a few of us girls went to Denny's. It was here that I learned that one of the girls had lost her son at Age 5. We both sat there in Denny's crying as she told me the story. She talked about how Christian music saved her life. It was here God reminded me the reason I share my music and help others share theres. A lot of people feel lost in this world, and many find Christ through music. God wants to use our music as a form of worship. I once was at a Shawn Groves concert and as he was singing, I saw this girl in the crowd balling her eyes out, and I believe she accepted Christ that night. I want others who are at the end of their rope to find their hope in Christ, and while God uses all sorts of things in people's lives to bring them to Him, I believe one is music.

So this was pretty much the end of my trip. I said bye to all in Phoenix, and boarded my plane. This trip gave me a clearer perspective on things, and a motivation to pursue my dream. I have no idea where God is going to lead, but I just need to humble myself and follow His lead. He has been very evident in my life, even the very hard times, and I am so excited to see what He does in the future. I write all this as my testimony, and can only hope that he has planted something in you that motivates you to follow your dreams. For all of us, this is different, and some of you may already be following yours, and that is awesome. Just dont give up home, thinking you are inadequate. God is our Strength, and with Him, all things are possible.

The last month...

Well, the last month in my life has been a whirlwind. It all started with one Sunday morning. One of my pastors was speaking on following our hearts. I believe that God has given everyone a specific passion/gift in their life, mine being music. The pastor was talking about how alot of people will not feel equipped to pursue their passion, and will just settle in life. I had felt I had settled. Still I struggle with "feeling" equipped, but God continually reminds me that He doesnt call the equipped, but equips the called. So, this being all said, I was really wanting to leave the bank I was working at, and dive into the music industry.

Later that week, I was working at the bank, and when I went to count out money to a customer, I realized that I was short $500. That was a blow. But not two hours later, we got a call from our cash vault stating they were short another $1600 and it had come from my drawer. I was confused because I was ALWAYS in balance, and knew I had not taken it. Over the course of the next couple of weeks they were doing an investigation, never figuring out who took it, but nevertheless, I was fired over it. Most people would think I would be devastated, but not the least. I had wanted to leave there for years, feeling they had sucked all life out of me. The fact that all this randomly happened at the same time meant to me that God was kicking me out of there. I knew He was calling me on a new journey, and even though it can be scary having no source of income, I knew He would take care of me.

So, on to the new journey...

A couple of days after I was fired, my friend, Megan, came to visit. We had a blast over the few days, and while she was here, we got the idea in our heads that I should fly out to AZ and surprise my friends and family. I knew that once I started a new job, I wouldnt get to go, so this sounded like a good plan. But I looked into tickets and it was way to expensive. But then the next day my dad called and told me he had bought me a plane ticket to come out the next week. Sweet! I was so excited. So I flew out, surprising my mom, sis, nephew, and friends. It was so surreal for everyone. And what an amazing, fun week! I dont think I slept. Well, the week was coming to an end and it was time to go home...so I thought.

I was making plans to do lunch with a friend, a concert promoter I used to work for. We were talking, and he mentioned that since I really didnt need to be home yet, that I should change my flight back and go on a concert tour with his crew and a few Christian bands. I prayed about it and felt it would be a great opportunity for me to network with some of the people on the tour, them being from Nashville. Also, since I had been out of the industry for a couple of years, I figured I could get my feet wet. So I agreed. And on with the tour...

My first stop was Wildomar, Ca. This was very close to where alot of my relatives live in CA. My mom and I decided to drive out for a couple of days, and on Saturday, I would drive to the show to meet up with everyone. So I got to go stay at my grandmas. Me and her have never been real close, but since my grandfather died a couple of years ago, Ive been wanting to mend my relationship with her. I got to spend the day with her, and we had so much fun. I always felt so intimidated around her, but that all changed this trip. I also got to see my great aunts and uncle. My great uncle is nearing the end of his days, and I got to go visit him in the nursing home. I knew this was my last time seeing him. He grabbed my hand and teared up when I was leaving. I told him I would try to come see him soon, even though I knew this wasnt possible. I walked out trying to hold back tears. I was just thankful I got to see everyone again, not knowing when I would ever be able to. Saturday came, and it was time to head down to the show. But not before making a stop at the beach. I drove out to Oceanside, only for an hour, but I had longed so much to go to the beach, I just had to. I walked the pier, and this huge pelican flew down and sat on the ledge. He just sat there forever and let people pet him. I got an awesome picture of him. I then walked the beach, getting my feet wet, taking in the sun, feeling the breeze. It was very hard for me to leave, but I was grateful just for that hour. I then drove up to Wildomar, driving past the Bible College I went to a few years back. I wanted to walk around, but everytime I visit, they wont let me in, even though I am alumni, so I just drove on. When I got to the concert, I got to surprise some friends that had no idea I was still around, and didnt know I was going on the tour with them. It was so good to see them. We didnt end up doing much at the concert, just hanging out... After the show I drove up to my aunt and cousins' house who I hadnt seen in a few years. I spent a couple of hours with them. A good couple of hours.

The next day I said by to my grandma. I had told her I wanted to learn how to make scarves (hoping she would teach me to crochet). But instead when I was leaving she laid out 20 scarves and told me to take whatever ones I wanted. That was nice of her. Unfortunately I left all but one in Phx, by accident.

OK, so I went back to Phoenix and helped out in the Promoter's office for a few days. Got to see some more friends and my brother, sis, and nephew, who is almost two. Hes the one in the pic on my blog. He learned my name. I have only seen him a couple of times. He was born 2 days before I moved to TN, and then I saw him last June. I wish I was able to see him more. Its weird cuz I helped raise my other nephew and he is such a big part of my life. I wish I could have the same with him.

Anyway, so trying to finish this blog off (kinda gettin long)...
Actually, I think I will end here, and start a new one for the tour, part 2.
Thanks for readin.